


oh, i'm so human

by binchmarner



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Dysphoria, Character Study, Coping, Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, Other, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 05:00:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20791031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/binchmarner/pseuds/binchmarner
Summary: Alexander wakes up, and knows it's going to be a bad day. JT helps with that.





	oh, i'm so human

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lotts (LottieAnna)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/gifts).

> chuck and i were talking about gender and how they fit into gender and it got me thinking about where i fit in.... and how i don't fit in. which isn't a bad thing! it didn't get me dysphoric, truthfully. a bunch of trans tik toks did. 
> 
> so i wrote about it.
> 
> enjoy.
> 
> tw for dysphoria induced panic attacks and general dysphoria, talk of suicidal ideation? none happens but jt asks if alexander is. (they're not.)
> 
> title of the story comes from dodie's [human.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LL8tyObkRvk)

“Fuck,” Alexander says as they wake up, pulling the covers up to their chin. Today’s a bad dysphoria day, and they know it from the fact that the idea of getting out of bed and putting on a shirt that is never flat enough and jeans that seem to barely fit over their hips makes them want to throw up. “Fuck, fuck, _fuck._”

“What’s wrong?” JT asks, his voice rough and soft, having just woken up and _shit_ what time is it even? Alexander doesn’t think their alarm has even gone off yet, so that means it’s probably early and it’s JT’s only day to sleep in. _Fuck._

Alexander squeezes their eyes shut and breathes in shakily, their body tensing up when JT wraps his arms around them. “Please, Jay…”

“What’s wrong?” JT pulls his arms back, his voice sounding much less sleepy and much more alert. “What is it, baby?”

Alexander pulls the covers up tighter around them. Maybe if they can’t see their chest, their breasts won’t be there. It’s terrible, because it’s fake and they know it, but they’re going to try everything. “It’s just––a bad day.”

“What kind of bad, Xander?” JT sits up carefully, so as to not jostle the covers wrapped so carefully around Alexander. “Do I need to go call someone?”

“No, I just––” Alexander takes a breath and rolls over. “Am having a bad dysphoria day. You’re supposed to be sleeping, it’s the only day you have without a morning class and––”

“I need to take care of my partner,” JT says, threading his fingers through their hair. “I know you’re in a sports bra right now, I can go turn down the AC and get you one of my hoodies.”

Alexander nods and then slides further down the bed. They take in a shaky breath. “Why can’t I have top surgery yet?”

JT’s face does something complicated, turning from a slight smile to something downright sympathetic. He walks to his closet and takes out an oversized Harvard Hockey hoodie, Alexander’s favorite hoodie to wear when dysphoria hits deep in their chest. “I’m sorry. It’s scheduled and everything, it’s just a waiting game right now.”

“I know. I know it is, and I know I’m being impatient and there are other trans people who haven’t even gotten their date yet,” Alexander’s voice trails off, and they put the hoodie on, pulling the front as far away from their chest as they can. “It’s just hard.”

“It’s allowed to be hard,” JT says, sitting in the bed next to them. “Can I hold you?”

Alexander nods, and it’s like a little weight was taken off of their shoulders when JT wraps his arms around their waist. 

“It’s allowed to be hard and frustrating,” JT says, pressing a kiss behind Alexander’s ear. “You’re allowed to have bad days. Do you want to call your therapist?”

“I don’t see Diana until after the weekend,” Alexander leans their head back against JT’s shoulder. “It wouldn’t do anything.”

“But maybe she has a coping mechanism you can try,” JT suggests. “Like, the ice packs under the eyes. You wanna try that?”

“I’m gonna have to start paying you for sessions if you keep coming up with good ideas,” Alexander says, the corners of their mouth turning up for the first time that morning.

“You’re the one taking notes during the session. I remember them for when you absolutely can’t,” JT says, and Alexander can hear that easy smile in his voice. “I’ll go get the frozen veggies, you stay comfortable and handsome.”

“Flirt,” Alexander chuckles, settling against the headboard as JT walks out of the room. 

“Oh no, you caught me,” JT calls back. They roll their eyes, smiling as they reach over to grab their phone. It doesn’t take long for JT to get the veggies, but it’s long enough to get Alexander back in their own head. 

“Hey,” JT says, kneeling on the bed, cupping Alexander’s cheek in his free hand. He wipes a tear away from their cheek, not that Alexander knew that they’d been crying at all. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter?”

“God, I don’t want to be like this,” Alexander says, covering their face. Crying isn’t their favorite thing to do, and it had been harder to even start when they’d started testosterone, but something about today just unlocked a Pandora’s Box of dysphoria that they’d never talked about or thought of. 

“What do you mean?” JT asks, wrapping the bag in a thin hand towel and pressing it under Alexander’s left eye. When they don’t answer, JT takes a seat on the bed. “You don’t have to put it into words right now, there’s no pressure.”

“I don’t want to be like _this_.” Alexander gestures at all of themselves. “I’m fine with being queer. I don’t want to be trans. I wish I didn’t have to have an emergency routine so that when I ruin your morning you have to take care of me so I don’t go flying off the handle. I wish my top dysphoria was gone, but I know that as soon as it goes with surgery, bottom dysphoria will come in waves.”

“My dysphoria isn’t an everyday thing, and I can wear what I want mostly because everyone thinks I’m a guy, and I’d rather pass as too much of a guy than not at all. I wish you could just say boyfriend instead of partner without it making me feel just a little bit weird, and I wish everywhere I go wasn’t an honest teaching session. And I can’t even wish I was a guy, because even that would feel wrong.” Alexander says, trying to focus on the cool press of the towel on their face.

“I’m sorry,” JT says, resting his free hand on Alexander’s thigh over the covers. “I wish there was something I could do.”

“You’re doing what you can do, I need to get over it,” Alexander says, breathing deeply, in and out, in and out.

“Hey now,” JT says, pulling the ice pack back and pressing it gently under Alexander’s other eye. “I don’t know a lot about being dysphoric, but I know you just don’t _get over it._” 

“You don’t, but what else am I going to do?” Alexander says, their voice soft and cracking, thick with tears. 

“You take in deep breaths, blow them out. You allow the ice to calm your heart rate, and when you’re ready to get out of bed, I can make you eggs.” JT smiles. “I’ll even make you toast.”

“No way, toast?” Alexander says flatly, but the corners of their lips are turned up. JT chuckles. He takes the frozen veggies off of their face and presses their lips to Alexander’s forehead. 

“I know I can’t get rid of your dysphoria as much as I want to. But I can help you stave it off in the ways that you learned in therapy, and do as much as I can in my own way,” JT says. “It’s really hot, but I can get out your jeans and your henley, if you want that.”

“Thanks, Jay,” Alexander says, smiling up at JT. “I think I’m ready to get up for today.”

“Then I’ll get your clothes and start breakfast, okay?” JT asks, grinning when Alexander nods. “Go team.”

Alexander smiles and gets out of bed. Go team.

**Author's Note:**

> please be careful when commenting because this is True Thoughts Coming From The Author. it's a character study on a nonbinary character who doesn't bind. it's not mentioned because it isn't important and it adds to their dysphoria.


End file.
